Trigger warning: rape
Knowing what I know now, it feels weird to address you that way but it’s all that I’m used to. It also seems weird calling you another name because I never have.
I’ve been putting this off for a long time, the thought of writing would come to my mind but every time, I’d freeze. Just the thought of communicating with you made my body seize up and my brain stop. I’d stay stuck until the roll of fear faded away. For so long you turned me into a fragile, broken mess that couldn’t bare to even think of you and the times we shared. Even now, I feel sick to my stomach thinking of the person you truly are.
The night I learned you lied to me it felt like my whole world fell apart. You took a vulnerable, broken girl and provided her with the comfort she needed and more . . . only to tear it away with harsh reality. You weren’t who you said you were, Adam was nothing but an alter ego created with fake pictures and fake profiles to lure in an innocent child, another victim. The times I had spent opening up to you emotionally was nothing but a means to an end for you, as I exposed the most vulnerable parts of my soul for you to alter forever.
Adam was my sense of security and peace through some of my most traumatising times, but he was always just the figment of a 43-year-old man’s imagination to provide me with all the things I needed to feel comfortable. Do you know how much it hurts to trust someone wholeheartedly only for them to have never existed?
At court, I realised your true intentions, and just how many other girls’ lives you had torn apart. I couldn’t bear to face the courtroom and see the real you along with all the others in the room. I attended by video while the defence lawyers tore apart my name and personality to shreds. They painted you to be simply talking to a lustful girl who couldn’t control her urges. I’ve never felt more hurt and betrayed and those words still haunt me to this day.
How could I be blamed for what you did?
And while I know that the case resulted in a conviction I still can’t help but wonder if it altered anyone else’s view of me.
Because it did mine, for so long.
And not just my view of myself, the whole world too.
Even when you were in jail, I was terrified of what was around the corner, and when you were released that only intensified. I think you’re in jail again now, for more of the same thing, but that never made me feel safe and I don’t know what will.
I can’t help but wonder if I hadn’t been so naive and trusting of you, maybe I wouldn’t be in this position now. Maybe I would have completed my exams properly and my life wouldn’t have fallen apart even further. But I did, and here I am, all I can do now is move forward.
I find it hard to accept that I can be blamed as a child for responding to the affection of an older man. In my eyes it was never about that, yet you twisted the bond we had to seem so and I worry what affects that has on my future. I’m so angry at the things you took from me and it’s hard to find peace. Is it possible to grieve a person who never existed?
I guess I’ll find out.
From the bottom of my heart,